This might seem strange to some, but reaching the first 50lb goal of this weight loss “go round” has been bitter sweet.  It came with feelings of victory, joy, excitement, IN YOUR FACE! kinda feelings.  But then it hit me.  I have something to actually protect now.  Like, this is for real!  Not only did I reach a 50lb goal, I also officially went UNDER 300lbs.  That’s huge….literally….but that’s not what I’m talking about right now.  Anyway, then the other feelings set in.  Anxiety.  Fear.   Defeat.  Fear.   Hopelessness.  Fear.  Irritability.  And then FEAR again!  I think you get the picture.  Fear seemed to dominate my happiness.   It overshadowed my accomplishment to the point where I began to get cranky about the fact that I have to really live this new lifestyle if I want to stay under 300lbs and ever get under 200.  It became real.  People say losing weight is only half the battle.  I say it’s a whole lot less than half.  Let’s say at the age of 38, you spend one year reaching your goal weight.  You still have 50 years to stay that way, God willing you live that long.  So my point is, you can pretend or temporarily change your behavior, but for it to really stick, it will take the 3 Ds -daily deliberate decision making.  I understand why the experts say diets don’t work.  I realized this the moment the weekend came and the family wanted to go out to eat.  I could not believe how much anxiety went into my going out with the family and having to choose something sensible instead of something deliciously over salted and covered in cheese.  I mean, who knew?  Isn’t that crazy?  I’m just keeping it real.  I was really irritated.  I was also irritated because I wanted to go to one place and the hubby wanted to go to another.  I gave in to his choice not realizing how much this would affect the rest of the evening.  He had no idea what he was about to face either.  So I looked at the menu online of the restaurant of his choosing before we left and decided that I would order a turkey club without the fries.  Sounds good right?  WRONG. 

I didn’t know this was going to happen, but when I got there, I did NOT want a turkey club.  I looked at the menu and was literally in a battle with myself about doing the right thing. Don’t get me wrong, I know its ok to splurge a little.  But this was the holiday weekend and I was planning to go to a cookout at my mom’s the next day, and I knew full well I would indulge a little there.  So then the cranky kicked in.  I am not proud of my behavior, I’m just telling the truth.  So I was looking over the menu and one by one, my family states what they will order.  The daughter – I want this bacon cheeseburger and a sprite.  The son – I think I will have either the Philly burger or the bacon chedder burger with fries and honey mustard.  The hubby – I’m going with the garlic shrimp and sirloin steak with mashed potatoes.  WHAT THE????  So I annoyingly looked at the section of the menu with the “Lighter Side” items.  My husband says to me, “I thought you were going with the turkey club?”  Me (I’m not proud of this) “I don’t want no freakin turkey club.”  Oooooh…really girl?  Was it that serious?  I guess it was.  This was not directed at him, it was my irritability setting in full because I had to make a decision to have long term happiness rather than short term gratification.  A concept most 300 pounders aren’t accustomed to.  I guess this is how addicts act.  Hmmm?  Anyway, I ordered this “under 550 calorie” steak entrée.  I honestly don’t even like steak, so I didn’t eat it all and pretty much didn’t enjoy my evening because I was so irritated.  Sad but true.  Needless to say the rest of the evening didn’t go so well between the hubby and I.  (I still won)  but I guess I started it, all because I lost 50lbs that I knew I had to protect.  I know I’m only one chocolate chip cookie away from resorting back to the old me at any given moment.  So I know I have to be wise.  Can anyone else relate to this on any level?????  It would really help to hear someone else’s real story.  I’ve lost 50lbs before and I don’t recall this reaction.  I believe because this time, I really really want to change and never ever go back.  The more I want it, the more frightened I get I suppose.  As for the hubby, he later said, “If you really wanted to go to the other restaurant you should’ve just said so.  LOL…..This is part of the journey.